Rules for Talking Trash During Football Season
5. Don’t ever run up and ask me “Did you see the *insert my favorite team* game on Saturday/Sunday!?”
They’re my favorite team. That means I either a) watched the game or b) caught the highlights on ESPN – thereby saving 2 hours of my life and still seeing all the parts you want to talk about. That is, unless you want to talk about the tremendous number of 4 yard passes out of the backfield my favorite team’s running back caught. But I doubt you want to talk about that. Good, I don’t either. An appropriate, beginner-level conversation starter would be, “Wow, Saturday’s game was great!” That way you don’t insult me and, simultaneously, do start the conversation on a positive note.
4. An undefeated preseason does not constitute grounds for prophetic claims about “turning it around this year” (see: Detroit Lions, 2008).
Bragging about winning in preseason is like bragging about hanging out with your “super-hot cousin for like, 3 hours on Saturday.” It really doesn’t say anything for your ability to compete with the big boys and, more importantly, makes everyone else question how well you understand the system.
3. You can’t talk trash if your team hasn’t had a winning season in the last 5 years. Attention: Raiders, 49er’s, Rams, Bills, Lions, and Texans (via @aaron_solomon).
For those who cheer for perennial losers, the more you get excited about your “near win” in week one or your 2-0 start this season, the more you point out how bad your team has been and most-likely will be again this year.
2. Don’t console me for losing over the weekend. I did not lose. The team I cheer for lost. Please don’t accuse me of losing.
Do not walk up to me on Sunday or Monday and say, “I’m sorry you lost, dude. That sucks.” Know why? Because I didn’t play in the game. I sat on my couch and ate Doritos. That means I won no matter what the final score was. Furthermore, I view this type of team-identification as an insult to those NFL players who worked hard for 3 years in college to cheat in class AND accept booster monies without getting caught AND be a full-time athlete. I never juggled that many responsibilities.
1. If you choose not to cheer for a particular team, you are also thereby choosing to forfeit your right to talk trash when the team I cheer for loses. [Necessary political parallel: This point is the same for politics; If you don't vote, don't complain.]
Self-explanatory.
